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27 August 2018

[Living 20s] Between Passion and Loneliness



This is what i really want to share about the new phase of life I’m struggling with: I’m feeling extremely lonely.

Before we get there, here are things entangling my heart and mind which I think very important for me to get over with by writing it. 

They say, your twenties are supposed to be about falling head over heels in love: not just with the wrong guy, but with yourself, a career and foreign cities all over the world. They’re supposed to be about adventure and excitement; a time to take chances and dream big.

And that’s what I’m doing with my life. Hell yeah, I'm hardly falling in love with this wrong guy and suffer from sleepless night crying everytime things didn’t work out, but that's not my point when I decided to write this. The fact that my love life is incredibly suck, it turns out that anything happens with that guy doesn’t bother me as much as my love life with my career does. 

Yes, since I postponed my decision to take a master degree, I drown myself so much in to writings. And thats just feel right. It brought me to take writing workshops, classes, even competitions.  Moreover, I get to write screenplays (and it does really turn in to something you can watch on screen!) and my book published. 

It feels right. It feels great. Its somekind of a dream came true. Though I majored in economic management, I never really have a dream job beside to be a writer since I was a kid.

But happily ever after its just a myth the fairy tales told you.  Behind every single decisions, lies adventures to deal with. And it wont just end even if you feeling like reaching the goal, because in life, there's no exact finish line unless your life’s game over. 

And that's exactly what I feel.

I don't say that I’m not happy. No. I’m content with my life. I'm content with what I’ve got now. But, I feel really lonely.

An article I stumbled upon said: One major challenge within happiness is loneliness.  

It never occurs in my mind, even when its a very basic thing, that being a writer means that I have to work alone. No one ever told me before. And once I experience it, it hits me hard. Real hard. 

Anyone who knows me in real life would understand why this is a real deal for me. I’m a social person. Not a social media person, because basically I’m living in the real world. I make friends. I talk to them, even I shout. I got an award as the loudest person back then in the university. But in contrast, beside my lil sis, now I have no one to talk to. 

I have friends. Off course I have friends. I make new friends from work. But I cant ‘connect’ with them. I have friends from my old days, but they don't share the same value with me. I still have my best friends, but we only meet on WhatsApp group because the new life we are facing with. 

Even if you are not a writer, I bet you can relate with this. Yes, adulthood is hard, feeling lonely is suck.

Being a writer forces me to work by myself. I meet people, discuss the job, I took the job and bye-bye world, I need a room for myself for it to be done. In the name of my creativity, my productivity, I don't have any complain of doing the work alone. But for the sake of my mental health, gosh, I’m insane. 

I do feel passionate with my works. I feel the sparks every time my fingers touching the keyboards, translating the complicated maze of my mind. I feel the enthusiasm of arranging words and creating worlds. 

Especially, I love the feeling of reaching my own dream and not building others. 

But I have this issue with the consequences. I miss to be surrounded with noise. I miss to be in the nonsense. I miss throwing fake smiles. 

Or maybe, I just not familiar with changes. Not familiar with real life. 

Afterall, people tends to looking for what is not there. And, I'm still one of it. 





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