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20 January 2020

[Life] Three Weddings and A Funeral

January 20, 2020 0 Comments

First Wedding
December, 2019

I was in my happiest state since the morning I jumped out my bed and checked out my phone.
As long as I remembered, that was the best notification ever.
He accepted my friend request on Instagram, and he followed me back!
Oh My God! I smiled from ear to ear. I jumped. I sing happily.
I have never been this happy since December came by.

He hated me. I don’t know why.
Ever since our relationship got ruined, like 12 years ago, he refused to be my friend anymore.
I send him thousands of friend requests on every social media, but he just ignored me.
I went to his school, but he didn’t notice me.
I watched him from a far at our local basketball game, but he was busy with his things.
Years later, I found out that he was the boyfriend of my friend.

I couldn’t see the sun when one day, in 2017, I found him in front of my house.
We talked, finally. After long awaited years, I could hear his voice again.
And I could see his eyes. Those beautiful eyes that got me trapped on the magic of first love.
But it was different. Even if I could feel that beat in my heart, but he was different.
We were different. And distant.
That was not the best reunion ever.

For months, when I steped out my terrace, I wish I could have a second chance.
But that second chance never came. And he still didn’t accept any of my friend requests.

I have nothing to lose when I send him another friend request, November 2019.
It was after I reread my old diary. His name was all over that diary. Every page. Every sentence.
I didn’t miss him. I just wanted to know how was his life but he got his Instagram in private.
Weeks later, that happened. Not only he accepted my request, but he followed me back.

It turned out that four days before he welcomed me on his account, he got married.
I was not surprised, even when I didn’t see it’s coming.
From the day I lost that sparkly eyes, I knew that my first love wouldn’t come true.
But at least, we are friends now.
And as a friend, I am happy for him.

Happy wedding, my first love.


---


Second Wedding
December, 2019

My tummy hurt and my hands sweaty when I stepped on the stage to congratulate him and his wife.
Not because I was nervous, but that was my first day of period.
Except for the back pain, stomach ache and the fever, it was not hard to come to the wedding.

Despite months before the event we got really close and I did consider him to be in my life forever.
Despite his parent got my hopes high and I did picture her kindness to fill the emptiness of mine.
But it was really not hard to face him, his wife and his parent.

I was stupid.
I have been his jokes as long as I knew him, I got over it, and I opened another door for him.
I did that just because I was very tired of searching.
He seemed like promising in his down fall.

And that was it, in 2019, I ended up be another joke for him.
It was fine. Though I felt like a fool and shit, but it was really fine.
At least, for that one time, I could laugh for the joke.

Yes, I was a fool, but my heart didn’t break.
Cause yes, I did give him second chance, but I didn’t give my heart again.

I guess I was not that stupid.

As I sit at the back of the room watching him smiling brightly,
I sincerely said my prayer. I sincerely give him my best smile.
I sincerely want him and his little family to be happy.

Cause after all, he loves playing games.
At least he should be happy of his own play.

Happy wedding, my foolish love.


---


Third Wedding
January, 2020

I don’t know where to start. I am still wordless of what had happened days ago.
I have never felt as broken as that.

I was scared. I broke down. I didn’t want to come. Honestly.
Every single thing about him got my eyes teary. I was swollen for days. I can’t help it.

I begged for helps. I went to professional. They told me no to go. And I agreed.

But there I was. Holding my friend’s hands tightly as every step made me want to faint.
Wearing the ‘uniform’ as he wanted me to. Though I refused to be his accessory.
Cause even my heart ruined, I still didn’t want to make any scene.
Cause even I hate myself that I love him so much,
I still respect him of everything he had done to respect me.
At least that was what’s on my mind before I finally met him.

He grabbed my hand and my congratulatory words had touched his ears.
But he refused to laid his eyes on me, even just for a glance.

I can’t describe how that little gesture cut me in pieces.
Cause I pushed myself so hard to get to that moment.
Cause it was already hard even if he did the otherwise.

But then a smile swept away the blue. It was from the bride.
As I whole heartedly said my congratulation to her, I stared at those eyes.
She smiled at me, saying her thank you for my coming.
At that time, I knew I’ve made a right decision to attend the wedding.

People asked me: Why did I come, anyway?

I didn’t come for him.
I didn’t come for the organisation.
I didn’t come for my friends.
Cause I have nothing to prove. I don’t mind if people talk about me behind my back now.

But I did come there for myself
Cause I want everything to end.
Cause I want to feel peace.
Cause maybe that was the closure I really need.

Yes, I shed tears on the wedding.
Yes, I ruined my makeup.
Yes, even if I feel really proud of myself, but I know I’m sad.
But I’m glad I could face him on his big day, seeing that big smile on his face.
Despite whatever respond I got from him.

Cause I want happiness to be with the both of us at this very ending.

Happy wedding, my bitter love.


---


The Funeral
January, 2020

It was actually three jabs straight to my heart.
Since I knew how to love, those were the top three.

And now somehow it dies.
And I know, it just a matter of time till it wakes up again.
It’s like I pressed restart button on my hang computer.

I already buried all the dark sides and prepare to rise from the learnings.
This funeral is what I needed to start a new.
With nothing left behind.

Cause those three weddings killed all the love I’ve ever known.
And its residue.

But not right now.
I can’t run when my feet bleeds.
I can’t love when my heart breaks.

I will take my time.
I will just take my time.



09 January 2020

[Life] Letter to Gemini

January 09, 2020 0 Comments


Dear Gemini,

Aku masih ingat saat terakhir kali kita bertemu. Matamu membesar, bingung melihat kehadiranku yang tidak pernah kamu rencanakan. Tapi mau tidak mau kamu harus menerimaku, karena jika tidak, apa kata dunia terhadap kita nanti?

Aku duduk di sana mendengarkan kamu bercerita tentang dia. Sadarkah kamu? Ini pertama kalinya aku mendengar kamu bercerita begitu detil tentang dia di hadapanku.

Malam itu satu-satunya cara untuk menahan air mataku agar tidak tumpah adalah memasukkan bergelas-gelas air teh ke dalam tubuhku. Jujur, aku belum pernah minum teh sebanyak itu dalam hidupku.

Gemini, percayalah, aku tidak pernah menolak air mata itu. Bahkan, mungkin itu lah alasan dibalik kedatanganku. Dan ya, memang, malam itu telah mengubah segalanya. Malam itu adalah suatu titik balik bagi hidupku.

Aku ingat, beberapa tahun yang lalu, sebelum semua kata hilang di antara kita, kamu pernah bilang, “Aku capek sama tingkahmu yang nggak jelas. Nggak ada apa-apa, aku didiemin tanpa alasan.”

Lalu beberapa waktu kemudian, kamu tahu alasannya: aku cinta sama kamu dan atas segala kedekatan yang kita punya, bahkan setelah beberapa kali kamu memintaku menjadi istrimu dalam pesan-pesan yang kamu tulis, atau kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutmu, toh kita tidak bersama.

Aneh, ya?

Tapi kamu tahu apa yang lebih aneh? Yang lebih aneh adalah bahwa sepertinya sampai saat aku membuat tulisan ini, perasaan itu belum sepenuhnya hilang dari hatiku. Sekarang, ketika hari bahagiamu dapat dihitung jari, perasaan itu menggerogotiku sampai ke seluruh atom di dalam tubuhku.

Gemini, aku sudah berhenti menyalahkan masa lalu. Aku sudah berhenti menelusur dari mana ini semua berawal. Aku sudah berhenti menetapkanmu sebagai tersangka karena, ya, dicintai itu bukan dosa. Membahas masa lalu tidak akan pernah membawaku ke mana-mana kecuali pada ketidakrelaan. Ketidakrelaan bahwa keindahan itu memang pernah ada, tetapi sudah berlalu.

Aku menganggap pelajaran yang Tuhan berikan lewat kamu itu indah, Gemini. Tuhan itu Maha Cinta, dan cinta itu anugerah yang indah.

Dari kamu aku banyak belajar tentang mencintai. Seberapa besar aku mampu bertindak, berkorban, dan memberi. Sampai titik mana aku merasa aku telah berlebihan mencintaimu dan mengorbankan rasa cintaku untuk diriku sendiri. Kapankah perasaan cinta itu lalu berubah menjadi pamrih. Kapan rasa cinta itu berubah menjadi obsesi dan bergeser keluar batas. Bagaimana rasa cinta itu lalu berubah menjadi kata-kata jahat. Bagaimana pengharapan tinggi itu luluh lantak lalu berdiri lagi menjadi benteng kokok penuh amarah dan dijaga oleh prajurit-prajurit berseragamkan harga diri.

Aku belajar banyak, Gemini. Lalu pelajaran itu berpadu dengan energi besar yang bersumber dari amarah, berubah bentuk menjadi karya. Kini, angan-angan masa kecilku untuk melihat namaku ada di rak-rak toko buku telah menjadi nyata. Untuk jasa besarmu itu, aku belum sempat mengucapkan terima kasih.

Gemini, di hari ketika aku memutuskan silaturahmi kita, aku sudah tahu bahwa hari pernikahanmu adalah bom waktu untukku. Tidak pernah kusangka sebelumnya, bahwa bom itu ternyata memiliki kekuatan yang berlipat-lipat lebih dahsyat daripada perkiraanku.

Aku hancur, Gemini. Aku luluh lantak. Kamu membuatnya menjadi jauh lebih sulit daripada yang aku sanggup terima.

Aku tidak memerlukan undanganmu. Aku tidak memerlukan seragam darimu. Aku tidak memerlukan kedatanganmu ke rumahku. Aku tidak memerlukan kebaikanmu meski alasannya adalah demi kebaikan kita berdua. Aku tidak memerlukan semua itu.

Percayalah, semua keanehan yang aku sebabkan ini akarnya karena semua hal yang paling tidak aku perlukan tergeletak di pelupuk mataku. Lalu semua reaksi yang kuberikan ini hanyalah cerminan betapa berantakannya aku saat ini, Gemini.

Namun, aku ingin membereskan semua ini. Aku ingin berdamai. Aku ingin menyelesaikan semuanya tanpa ada yang tersisa lagi. Aku ingin membersihkan isi hati dan kepalaku dari amarah, dendam, ketidak-relaan dan segala emosi negatif lainnya sehingga kata ‘selamat’ bisa mengalir lancar dari bibirku.

Aku tahu aku tidak bisa tidak sedih. Aku tidak bisa berpura-pura baik-baik saja meskipun aku ada dalam kesadaran penuh bahwa yang aku cinta sebenarnya adalah bayanganmu yang ada di kepalaku, bukan sosokmu yang ada hari ini.

Mungkin itu alasannya Tuhan meletakkan perasaan di hati, bukan di kepala. Sebab rasa itu tidak rasional, setidaknya bagiku.

Aku tidak tahu saat ini apa yang aku rasa, mungkin cinta atau bisa juga obsesi. Yang aku tahu, aku menyayangimu, Gemini, tidak peduli peran apapun yang kamu mainkan di hadapanku.

Gemini, rasa sayang itu membuat aku menyadari, bahwa sehancur apapun perasaanku sekarang, setidak ikhlas apapun aku mengucapkan kata ‘selamat’ untukmu nanti, aku tetap ingin kamu berbahagia dengan hidup yang kamu pilih.

Berbahagialah. Pergilah selamanya dari hidupku. Terima kasih sudah bergerak menutup pintu yang ada di antara kita dengan cara terbaik yang bisa kamu pikirkan. Semoga setelah ini, setelah aku selesai dengan segala dukaku, aku benar-benar bisa membuka lembaran yang benar-benar baru.

Yang tersisa ini sudah cukup. Tidak perlu ada kita lagi.

Meski hanya dalam fantasi.





07 January 2020

[Poem] Dear Gemini

January 07, 2020 0 Comments


I always be the weird one
Since I pushed you away
But ready to be your nine-one-one

Can you imagine to be on my side?
I go along the edge of your light
While you walk with her side by side

I desperately want this to end
Gemini, I don't understand
How could we still be friends?