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20 January 2020

[Life] Three Weddings and A Funeral

First Wedding
December, 2019

I was in my happiest state since the morning I jumped out my bed and checked out my phone.
As long as I remembered, that was the best notification ever.
He accepted my friend request on Instagram, and he followed me back!
Oh My God! I smiled from ear to ear. I jumped. I sing happily.
I have never been this happy since December came by.

He hated me. I don’t know why.
Ever since our relationship got ruined, like 12 years ago, he refused to be my friend anymore.
I send him thousands of friend requests on every social media, but he just ignored me.
I went to his school, but he didn’t notice me.
I watched him from a far at our local basketball game, but he was busy with his things.
Years later, I found out that he was the boyfriend of my friend.

I couldn’t see the sun when one day, in 2017, I found him in front of my house.
We talked, finally. After long awaited years, I could hear his voice again.
And I could see his eyes. Those beautiful eyes that got me trapped on the magic of first love.
But it was different. Even if I could feel that beat in my heart, but he was different.
We were different. And distant.
That was not the best reunion ever.

For months, when I steped out my terrace, I wish I could have a second chance.
But that second chance never came. And he still didn’t accept any of my friend requests.

I have nothing to lose when I send him another friend request, November 2019.
It was after I reread my old diary. His name was all over that diary. Every page. Every sentence.
I didn’t miss him. I just wanted to know how was his life but he got his Instagram in private.
Weeks later, that happened. Not only he accepted my request, but he followed me back.

It turned out that four days before he welcomed me on his account, he got married.
I was not surprised, even when I didn’t see it’s coming.
From the day I lost that sparkly eyes, I knew that my first love wouldn’t come true.
But at least, we are friends now.
And as a friend, I am happy for him.

Happy wedding, my first love.


Second Wedding
December, 2019

My tummy hurt and my hands sweaty when I stepped on the stage to congratulate him and his wife.
Not because I was nervous, but that was my first day of period.
Except for the back pain, stomach ache and the fever, it was not hard to come to the wedding.

Despite months before the event we got really close and I did consider him to be in my life forever.
Despite his parent got my hopes high and I did picture her kindness to fill the emptiness of mine.
But it was really not hard to face him, his wife and his parent.

I was stupid.
I have been his jokes as long as I knew him, I got over it, and I opened another door for him.
I did that just because I was very tired of searching.
He seemed like promising in his down fall.

And that was it, in 2019, I ended up be another joke for him.
It was fine. Though I felt like a fool and shit, but it was really fine.
At least, for that one time, I could laugh for the joke.

Yes, I was a fool, but my heart didn’t break.
Cause yes, I did give him second chance, but I didn’t give my heart again.

I guess I was not that stupid.

As I sit at the back of the room watching him smiling brightly,
I sincerely said my prayer. I sincerely give him my best smile.
I sincerely want him and his little family to be happy.

Cause after all, he loves playing games.
At least he should be happy of his own play.

Happy wedding, my foolish love.


Third Wedding
January, 2020

I don’t know where to start. I am still wordless of what had happened days ago.
I have never felt as broken as that.

I was scared. I broke down. I didn’t want to come. Honestly.
Every single thing about him got my eyes teary. I was swollen for days. I can’t help it.

I begged for helps. I went to professional. They told me no to go. And I agreed.

But there I was. Holding my friend’s hands tightly as every step made me want to faint.
Wearing the ‘uniform’ as he wanted me to. Though I refused to be his accessory.
Cause even my heart ruined, I still didn’t want to make any scene.
Cause even I hate myself that I love him so much,
I still respect him of everything he had done to respect me.
At least that was what’s on my mind before I finally met him.

He grabbed my hand and my congratulatory words had touched his ears.
But he refused to laid his eyes on me, even just for a glance.

I can’t describe how that little gesture cut me in pieces.
Cause I pushed myself so hard to get to that moment.
Cause it was already hard even if he did the otherwise.

But then a smile swept away the blue. It was from the bride.
As I whole heartedly said my congratulation to her, I stared at those eyes.
She smiled at me, saying her thank you for my coming.
At that time, I knew I’ve made a right decision to attend the wedding.

People asked me: Why did I come, anyway?

I didn’t come for him.
I didn’t come for the organisation.
I didn’t come for my friends.
Cause I have nothing to prove. I don’t mind if people talk about me behind my back now.

But I did come there for myself
Cause I want everything to end.
Cause I want to feel peace.
Cause maybe that was the closure I really need.

Yes, I shed tears on the wedding.
Yes, I ruined my makeup.
Yes, even if I feel really proud of myself, but I know I’m sad.
But I’m glad I could face him on his big day, seeing that big smile on his face.
Despite whatever respond I got from him.

Cause I want happiness to be with the both of us at this very ending.

Happy wedding, my bitter love.


The Funeral
January, 2020

It was actually three jabs straight to my heart.
Since I knew how to love, those were the top three.

And now somehow it dies.
And I know, it just a matter of time till it wakes up again.
It’s like I pressed restart button on my hang computer.

I already buried all the dark sides and prepare to rise from the learnings.
This funeral is what I needed to start a new.
With nothing left behind.

Cause those three weddings killed all the love I’ve ever known.
And its residue.

But not right now.
I can’t run when my feet bleeds.
I can’t love when my heart breaks.

I will take my time.
I will just take my time.

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